Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing The Notebook.

When I happened upon an erotic-looking novel called The Notebook, starring Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams kissing on the cover, I was immediately intrigued because I haven’t kissed anyone in a while. But I was too scared to purchase it, for fear the bookstore clerk would think I wanted to kiss one of the people on the cover.

Instead, I headed to the sexual intercourse toy store where no one will judge you. Unfortunately the clerk there said from behind a sneeze guard, “Read the sign—we don’t have any Gosling porn.” Is The Notebook too erotic for a store of this nature?

My next stop was the library. They had a copy, but some pervert had checked it out. Gross. I wouldn’t want to touch the book after someone else had used it, and I certainly wasn’t going to risk letting someone see my name written in the back of the book.

My only option was to read it over the shoulders of anyone I spotted with a copy in public. This took a long time and meant reading things out of order. It also meant having to smell a lot of heads. Some were more pleasant than others. One was really, really nice.

Reading an erotic story in public made me worry I might get a slight erection, but I didn’t. Probably because the book didn’t have any pictures. I did doodle some of what I imagined in my notebook for reference later.

In this novel, there is a notebook with something so important in it, it makes Ryan and Rachel kiss and probably do more than kiss. They probably kiss with other parts of their body if you know what I mean. I don’t want to get too explicit in case there is a child in the room.

Read The Notebook at your own risk. It’s a far cry from the more conservative books of olden days like Little House on the Prairie or The Bible.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing CNN.

Ted Wilson is a musician, good friend, and widower. His website iamtedwilson.com features all of his reviews (even the banned ones), exciting videos, a live interview with Ted on the radio, and interviews with some of the world's top celebrities! More from this author →