Kyle Kinane’s I’m Dead and It’s All My Fault #49
Not only am I organizing the first ever McRib eating contest, I plan on being the first champion as well. You’ve got a fighting chance of coming in second, Doug.…
Posts by author
Kyle Kinane
50 posts
Kyle Kinane has been performing in bars in cities in nations for ten years. He was called "bleak and misanthropic" by the London Evening Standard, which may or may not be a compliment. He is a comedian.
Kyle Kinane’s I’m Dead and It’s All My Fault #48
I’m eating candy for dinner, Doug, so I can go to the dentist. The more X-rays I get, the more radiation I’m exposed to. If science has taught us anything,…
Kyle Kinane’s I’m Dead and It’s All My Fault #47
So far the voices in my head are just telling me to eat a lot of frozen pizza and watch Nick At Night, so I see no need to start…
Kyle Kinane’s I’m Dead and It’s All My Fault #46
Got one raft for me, one for the twelver of Coors Light, and one for the boom box. This is how you throw a pool party, Doug! Of course I’m…
Kyle Kinane’s I’m Dead and It’s All My Fault #45
No, it’s because they were honey-roasted. I think I must be allergic to honey roasting or something. These are just plain so I’ll be fine. More.
Kyle Kinane’s I’m Dead and It’s All My Fault #44
See, you’re just falling for the media depiction of it. If heroin’s really that bad, why are are the best artists and musicians into it? Besides, you can go totally…
Kyle Kinane’s I’m Dead and It’s All My Fault #43
The problem with the Guardian Angels is that they travel in packs, Doug. You can see ‘em coming from a mile away, so everyone stops doing their illegal shit before…
Kyle Kinane’s I’m Dead and It’s All My Fault #42
Lead paint’s only dangerous to babies and Superman. I know you’re not Superman, but you can be a real goddamn baby so maybe it’s best you stay away from my…
Kyle Kinane’s I’m Dead and It’s All My Fault #41
I know alligators don’t understand English, you asshole. It’s all about the tone of voice you use. Just you watch, Doug. Twenty minutes of sweet-talking and this beast will be…
Kyle Kinane’s I’m Dead and It’s All My Fault #40
This is what I’m talking about—if I have to explain why a homemade zip line is the best idea ever, I’m just wasting my time with you, Doug. You just…
Kyle Kinane’s I’m Dead and It’s All My Fault #39
It’ll just be me and the open sea, Doug. A what? No, no. None of that bullshit. I’m just gonna navigate by the stars like a true explorer. If all…
Kyle Kinane’s I’m Dead and It’s All My Fault #38
No, the sign said “water is not portable.” “Potable?” Is that another one from Doug’s Dictionary Of Words He Pulls Out Of His Ass? I don’t know why it wouldn’t…