Kyle Kinane’s I’m Dead and It’s All My Fault #37
“Load-bearing walls” is a myth made up by the carpenters’ union to scare people away from doing their own home improvements. Fine, then don’t help. But don’t plan on enjoying…
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Kyle Kinane
50 posts
Kyle Kinane has been performing in bars in cities in nations for ten years. He was called "bleak and misanthropic" by the London Evening Standard, which may or may not be a compliment. He is a comedian.
Kyle Kinane’s I’m Dead and It’s All My Fault #36
Best thing you can do if you come across a pack of mountain lions is try to grab one of the cubs. That way you have some way of negotiating…
Kyle Kinane’s I’m Dead and It’s All My Fault #35
Doug, check it out! I fixed the microwave so it runs even when the door’s open. No more wasting time with all this “open, close, open, close” bullshit. Yeah, well…
Kyle Kinane’s I’m Dead and It’s All My Fault #34
Fuck it, Doug. I’m sick of renting and this place is super affordable. Well if this whole “used to be an Indian burial ground” thing bums you out so much,…
Kyle Kinane’s I’m Dead and It’s All My Fault #33
I’ll just use the hose, Doug. Yeah, I know they have sprays for these types of things, but a.) it’s not like I can just pull six bucks out of…
Kyle Kinane’s I’m Dead and It’s All My Fault #32
That’s entirely untrue. Brightly-colored snakes aren’t venomous, Doug, they’re fabulous. The reds and yellows are just a reptile’s way of saying, “Hey world, get a load of me!” They’re not…
Kyle Kinane’s I’m Dead and It’s All My Fault #31
That’s the problem with undercover cops, Doug. They’re still cops, you know? They’ve still got all those rules to follow. It’s too limiting to do any good. But if I…
Kyle Kinane’s I’m Dead and It’s All My Fault #30
Cops said if I get caught huffing again they’re locking me up, but they didn’t say nothing about painting an unventilated bathroom over and over again. You can either join…
Kyle Kinane’s I’m Dead and It’s All My Fault #29
Have fun on the bus to Fargo, Doug. I just won a coin toss with some guitar player and now I’ve got a seat on a plane. Who? The guy…
Kyle Kinane’s I’m Dead and It’s All My Fault #28
Fuck the tour group, Doug. These guys want to take us back to their village and show us the real Amazon. Besides, remember how the guide even said there’s cannabis…
Kyle Kinane’s I’m Dead and It’s All My Fault #27
Why would you pay for a Mr. Pibb when you can just tip these machines a little and shake one out? Christ, Doug, you’d be a millionaire if you weren’t…
Kyle Kinane’s I’m Dead and It’s All My Fault #26
Shit, I put my cyanide pill in the same pocket as my Mentos again. What? Why do I carry around Mentos? Fresh breath, dummy. Oh, the other thing. Because, Doug,…