Kyle Kinane

“Load-bearing walls” is a myth made up by the carpenters’ union to scare people away from doing their own home improvements. Fine, then don’t help. But don’t plan on enjoying the kick-ass Japanese rock garden I’m putting in the basement.…

Best thing you can do if you come across a pack of mountain lions is try to grab one of the cubs. That way you have some way of negotiating with ‘em. Fine, Doug, you go right on ahead and…

Doug, check it out! I fixed the microwave so it runs even when the door’s open. No more wasting time with all this “open, close, open, close” bullshit. Yeah, well sometimes I feel like you’re gonna give me cancer. More.

Fuck it, Doug. I’m sick of renting and this place is super affordable. Well if this whole “used to be an Indian burial ground” thing bums you out so much, then I guess I won’t be seeing you at my…

I’ll just use the hose, Doug. Yeah, I know they have sprays for these types of things, but a.) it’s not like I can just pull six bucks out of my ass whenever I want, and b.) last time I…

That’s entirely untrue. Brightly-colored snakes aren’t venomous, Doug, they’re fabulous. The reds and yellows are just a reptile’s way of saying, “Hey world, get a load of me!” They’re not dangerous, but they can be fierce. You know what I’m…

That’s the problem with undercover cops, Doug. They’re still cops, you know? They’ve still got all those rules to follow. It’s too limiting to do any good. But if I go in there all bounty hunter style, on top of…

Cops said if I get caught huffing again they’re locking me up, but they didn’t say nothing about painting an unventilated bathroom over and over again. You can either join me or judge me, Douglas, but don’t just stand there…

Have fun on the bus to Fargo, Doug. I just won a coin toss with some guitar player and now I’ve got a seat on a plane. Who? The guy who sang “La Bamba?” And Buddy Holly? Really, Doug? Who…

Fuck the tour group, Doug. These guys want to take us back to their village and show us the real Amazon. Besides, remember how the guide even said there’s cannabis all over this part of the jungle? Let’s get fucked…

Why would you pay for a Mr. Pibb when you can just tip these machines a little and shake one out? Christ, Doug, you’d be a millionaire if you weren’t such a sucker. More.

Shit, I put my cyanide pill in the same pocket as my Mentos again. What? Why do I carry around Mentos? Fresh breath, dummy. Oh, the other thing. Because, Doug, I know things. Let’s just say there was a lot…