As you have most likely heard by now, I did not win my bid for the 2012 Presidency. While most Americans had their eyes set on Barack Obama or Mitt Romney, a few had gathered before my porch to hear my concession speech. (Technically, I suppose they were doing something more along the lines of walking by, although some did stop for a few seconds.) If you were not able to witness my speech in person, here is a full transcript.
Thank you. I have just called President Obama to congratulate him on his victory. Unfortunately, the secretary at the White House said he was busy and would probably not ever be able to get back to me. I left a message explaining that if he decided to cut his time as President short, I would be happy to step in.
I want to thank Paul Ryan for all that he did to the Romney campaign. His presence gave me constant hope for my own campaign. I also want to thank Elizabeth Huggins, my running mate. Besides my wife, Rosie – may she rest in peace – Elizabeth is the best choice I’ve ever made. Well, maybe it’s a tie between Elizabeth and this one shirt I bought once. I looked amazing in it.
I also want to thank Rosie, the love of my life. She would have been a wonderful first lady if only she hadn’t died. And if I had won the election.
I thank my family members for their tireless work on behalf of the campaign. They photocopied literally dozens of fliers. Chad, I will pay you back for those as soon as I can.
I want to thank Ryan Montbleau and the dedicated band he leads. They have made an extraordinary effort not just for me, but also for the country that we love.
And to you here tonight, to those of you standing before me on my porch, and to my Twitter friends across the country. Thank you so very much.
I believe in America. I believe in the people of America. I’ve seen both of these things in real life and they are real. Or if somehow they aren’t, they looked very life-like.
And I ran for office because I’m concerned about America and because also I could use the money. This election is over, but I still need cash. Need is a strong word. I would like some. I believe that the principles upon which this nation was founded are the only sure guide to a resurgent economy and to renewed greatness and more money for me than I currently have.
Like so many of you, Elizabeth and I have left everything on the field. We have given our all – well, not our all, but some of ourselves, and maybe not as much as we could have, but still, some is more than none – to this campaign.
I so wish — I so wish that I had been able to fulfill your hopes to lead the country, but the nation chose another leader. If you haven’t heard the news yet, his name is Barack Obama. And so I join with you to earnestly pray to whatever God you believe in, for President Obama and for this great nation.
Thank you, and God bless America. You guys are the best. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thanks, guys. Really, thanks a lot. Thanks so much, you guys. Thanks. Thanks. Thank you. Thanks. Cough, cough.
Okay, I guess that’s about it. And now I’m happy to answer any questions you have.
Any at all.
No questions? None? Okay, well if you think of some just go ahead and ring my doorbell. I’ll be up for a couple more hours. If I don’t answer I might be in the shower, so please be patient. USA! USA! Good night!