FUNNY WOMEN #140: Five Types of Fruit Your Body Might Be Shaped Like

By

  1. Pear. We all know this one. Being pear-shaped means you’re bigger on the bottom than on top; if your hips are further apart than your ribs, then you might be a pear. Ironically, most people are actually really into pears, unlike pear-shaped women, which Western society frowns upon. Pear-shaped women look best in flowy tops (to balance out their larger base) or when turned upside-down, inverting their curvature ratios. Just make sure not to combine the two! Or do and become a viral video.
  1. Daly2Bunch of grapes. This one’s not as common. Bunch-of-grapes-shaped women tend to have spherical appendages that dangle precariously from their core, occasionally shriveling up and dropping off into the nether regions of the figurative refrigerator. This is a tricky body shape to shop for but can actually age into something wonderful. You can dress your bunch-body in an oak barrel or plastic bag with holes punched in it.
  1. Kiwi. Are you small, brown, and covered in a spiky down? Then you might be a kiwi. Kiwi-shaped women have no waist to accentuate, making fashion easy for these tiny, seed-filled furballs. If you are an oblong sphere and frequently cut in half and spooned, you might have a kiwi-shaped body. Kiwi-bodies look best in crocheted bikinis and sunglasses. Don’t ask us why. We didn’t make the rules! We just reinforce them without asking questions. 
  1. Lemon. If your body is largest around the middle and gathered into points at the ends, or if your body has a dimpled, fragrant rind (often grated with a special tool to be added to dressings and desserts), then you might be a lemon-shape. Lemon-shaped women find themselves gathered up with several of their friends to be used in a centerpiece. Lemon-bodies look best in snug-fitting styrofoam sleeves or plastic mesh bags. Lemons also tend to roll, so you might fair best after being cut into wedges and shoved roughly into the neck of a Corona—if that’s your thing.

Daly1

  1. Pomegranate. If you are a tough-looking reddish ball that is literally just filled with pithy seeds, then you probably are a pomegranate-shape. Pomegranates tend to sit on the sidelines for awhile before some determined individual gets up the nerve to peel one open and deal with the aftermath. Poms look great all by themselves, after all the easier-to-peel fruit has been eaten. Pomegranates also tend to be the most fertile of all their friends, so look out, you seedy goddess!

 

So after all that, did you figure out your body shape? If you don’t see yourself here, then you might be genetically modified, imported, past your expiration date, or more like an actual human than a piece of fruit, which would be a shame, because once you know how to shop for your sexy fruit-shape, the world of fashion becomes a juicy place! 

***

Rumpus original art by Annie Daly. Purchase Annie’s art here.

***

Please submit your own funny writing to our Rumpus submission manager powered by Submittable. See first: our Funny Women Submission Guidelines.

To read other Funny Women pieces and interviews, see the archives.


Sarah Hutto is a little jerk with freckles whose work has appeared on Shouts & Murmurs, McSweeney's, Razed, and Reductress. Follow her journey on Twitter @huttopian as she moves ever closer to achieving her life's dream of one day owning her own bidet. More from this author →