Ted Wilson Reviews the World #5


★★★★★ (3 out of 5)

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing the Rockville Public Library.

This library, located at 52 Union St., Vernon, CT, is a mixed bag for me. On the one hand it’s quiet and a great place to take a nap. I fell asleep in the media room once and nobody bothered me for what I think was three full days. (My doctor said that may have been a mini coma.) But at the same time – like most libraries – it’s full of danger.

First, there are those little rolling stools in the aisles. Try sitting on one and see if it doesn’t shoot out from under you. Seriously, those must be someone’s idea of a practical joke. Also, with all the paper in that place, there’s a much higher risk for paper cuts. That’s why I wear gloves when visiting. It’s just common sense. Especially dangerous is the glass display case which I’ve fallen into and shattered four times. Watch out for that thing.

Then there’s Margaret, the librarian – one of the most dangerous things in the library. Most libraries probably have someone like her. Margaret thinks just because she works there she knows where all the books go.

We have a long-standing feud because I refuse to recognize the Dewey Decimal System. I prefer all books be alphabetized by title rather than adhering to any type of genre. I’ve never believed in genres. But Margaret isn’t having any of that. She’s been giving me the evil eye ever since she caught me trying to rearrange the young adult corner. I got about half way through when she discovered me and banned me from the library for an entire month.

Just to spite her I opened my own library in an abandoned house across the street. It wasn’t as big, nor did it have as many books, and it seemed to get vandalized and burned a lot. I called it Ted’s Friendly Library and everyone was welcome, except Margaret. I’m not exactly sure how libraries make money, so I had to close down after six days. But Margaret got the message loud and clear.

I recommend visiting the Rockville Public Library on a Tuesday or Thursday. Those are Margaret’s days off and in her place is Stephanie. Stephanie smells like cookies and always has a smile. For my birthday she removed my late fees. If I were a younger man I would be quite smitten.

Stephanie makes me forget about Margaret, and that makes it much easier to enjoy the other great things the library has – like internet access. I’ll spend hours at the library looking up all kinds of information on the computer. I can read about history, science, news, whatever. And I hear that Google website will soon be making books available online. I can’t wait!

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing the thumbtack I stepped on recently.

Ted Wilson is a musician, good friend, and widower. His website iamtedwilson.com features all of his reviews (even the banned ones), exciting videos, a live interview with Ted on the radio, and interviews with some of the world's top celebrities! More from this author →