Ted Wilson Reviews the World #107

MY NEW SUIT
★★★★★ (5 out of 5)

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing my new suit.

As part of my bid for President, I’ve been trying to emulate politicians. So, I bought a suit! It’s red and fits me almost perfectly. I picked red because it was the cheapest one available and I’m often spilling Kool-Aid on myself. Wearing a suit allows me to look both fancy and serious, all at once.

I also wear an American flag pin on my suit. That way people instantly know I like America. Whenever I see a politician who isn’t wearing a flag pin I have some serious doubts about his or her dedication to the country. I wouldn’t feel comfortable voting for someone who might only kind of like America.

I even wear my suit when I’m sleeping, just in case I have to make a last-minute appearance. I want to be ready. The other week I had an early morning radio interview over the phone and I wore my suit just in case they could see me. My nephew said I was being paranoid, but I’ve seen phones with cameras so I know it’s possible.

The only time I don’t wear a full suit is when I visit a blue collar workplace. I remove my jacket and tie and roll my sleeves up because I want those people to know I’m just like them except with soft hands.

Wearing a suit has made me much more confident. Now when someone says something I disagree with, I’m able to debate them just like a real politician. In line at the supermarket I overheard a woman say she didn’t like the music of Garth Brooks. I do like Garth Brooks, so this seemed like a perfect opportunity to test out my new debate style. I picked up and then smashed a watermelon all over the floor. That got the woman’s attention and displayed the strength of my convictions.

The woman was all, “What’s wrong with you?” Then I was all, “What’s wrong is your opinion!” That taught her a lesson. It also taught me I have to pay for a watermelon if I smash it intentionally, but it was worth it to win the debate. Plus, I’m pretty sure I got a discount because the mushy mess was really tough for the cashier to weigh.

Clearly my suit has changed my life for the better. That’s why, if elected President, I will allow lower income people who can’t afford to buy a suit to wear mine for a little while. Then they can see what it’s like to be a person in a suit.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing a trout.