FUNNY WOMEN #8: Dear Johnny Depp

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Dear Johnny Depp,

How are you? I am fine.

I recently purchased the Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End Remote Control Mini Battle Pirate Ships – Chinese Junk and Rockin’ Black Pearl plus Jack Sparrow and Sao Feng Mini Figures. I enjoy the Red LED cannon ports and skull-shaped remote control that are included, and I also do enjoy the potential of the rolling ocean motion which does truly add to the RC excitement; however, I am disappointed that the Jack Sparrow and Sao Feng mini figures do not seem to be to scale. Also, the boats do not float so well on my carpet, but they are fine on my wood floors. But you did a good job making these boats quite the entertaining vessels. They do indeed have everything I need to commit atrocious and fantastic acts of piracy on my many other figurines.

Please write back!

Sincerely,
Natalie

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Dear Johnny Depp,

How are you? I am fine. I have not heard back from you, but you are probably busy making movies, so I’m not mad.

I recently purchased the Captain Jack Sparrow with Rifle and Removable Coat, which you undoubtedly are aware should look like you. The legs are poorly articulated and only swing out to the sides, like you would be stretching to go running, which I believe pirates rarely do. Though it is only 3 inches tall, it does not fit on the previous boats I purchased, which you know about from my last letter to you. However, because I am such a fan of 1:18 scale, I will gladly add this to my collection.

Your friend,
Natalie

P.S. The removable coat fits other toys I own. Thank you.

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Dear Johnny Depp,

How are you? I have not heard from you. Sometimes I worry. Do not worry about me, however, I am fine.

I recently purchased your Pirates of the Caribbean Jack Sparrow with Transforming Crab and Navigational Chart. I am pleased to find that this action figure features eight points of articulation, which I will not list here, because I am sure you are familiar with those points.

The crab is an interesting and creative accompaniment. I believe that you should change the name of this toy to Pirates of the Caribbean Jack Sparrow with Transforming Rock and Navigational Chart, since it is more like the rock changes into a crab instead of the other way around.

Your friend,
Natalie

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Dear Johnny,

You haven’t written, but I recently discovered through a Web site called The IMDB that you are working on the Pirates of the Carribean: On Stranger Tides movie. You can imagine how thrilled I am, definitely more thrilled than any of your other fans.

In anticipation of the release of your movie in the year 2011, I recently purchased both the Pirates of the Caribbean Singapore Disguised Elizabeth Swan with Double Holster, Pistols, and Asian Cloak, and the Pirates of the Caribbean Pirate King Elizabeth Swan with Glowing Brethren Court Globe and Sword. They were featured as a “Buy Together” on Amazon.com, and because it is nice to finally add some women action figures to my collection, I did not resist the purchase. Technically, though, I just added the same woman twice.

Though the package boasts that when I place the swords in the correct locations, the globe will glow and I will be named pirate king, I have yet to be named pirate king. I assumed notification would come through an award in the mail or, perhaps, a link within an email. I hope this can be addressed in a timely fashion.

Be well,
Natalie

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Dear Johnny Depp,

I am sure you have at least received my previous two letters because I sent them registered mail. I would hope that you are interested in responding to my praise of your toys which I have purchased through Amazon.com and in stores in the Chicagoland area. As my husband will tell you, I am disappointed.

Therefore, I regret that this will be our last correspondence until I either receive a letter from you explaining why I will not be crowned the pirate king or if you send someone to my house to crown me. I have noticed many deals regarding air travel between L.A. and Chicago, as many of these deals arrive in my Gmail inbox.

Regardless, I have made what I believe may be my wisest purchase regarding Pirates of the Caribbean merchandise. You can imagine the wideness of my eyes when the Pirates of the Caribbean: Siege of the Flying Dutchman Mega Brand set arrived at my house at no extra cost to me on account of I qualified for Super Saver free shipping due to the play set’s $249 cost. In the past several hours, I have taken it apart and put it back together many times. What I have discovered is that the set includes more than Amazon.com informed me of: the Flying Dutchman and the agile Black Pearl and 9 figures, a pulley system, firing cannons and captain’s quarters, opening hull, collapsing mast, and a resealable skull which opens out into a stage to reenact my favorite scenes from the movies. I have also discovered that there are 445 pieces, some of which are choking hazards, but that cannot be helped. I only mention these features because you may have lost count of how many are involved in this Mega Brand set.

I have devoted a large space in our bedroom to the set up of the Seige of the Flying Dutchman Mega Brand playset, and have glued the set pieces together, so as not to have any fall off during extended play.

Johnny, let’s regard this correspondence as a time in both of our lives where we learned something about each other, ourselves, and the toys that pass between us, just as ships pass between and next to each other in the night.

Yours,
Natalie

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Rumpus original art by Miranda Harter.

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Natalie Edwards got a divorce about an hour ago. You can read and hear more of her writing at natalieaedwards.com. More from this author →