JIFFY BRAND PEANUT BUTTER
★★★★★ (5 out of 5)
Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing Jiffy brand peanut butter.
It’s not Jif, and it’s not Skippy, it’s Jiffy, a delicious new brand of peanut butter. It’s handmade from 100% real peanuts as well as some surprise ingredients! In the interest of full disclosure, this is my new business venture. All proceeds go directly to my political campaign. (Running for President can cost a lot of money it turns out.)
Currently Jiffy is not available in creamy or chunky, only in a sort of hybrid of the two. There are some chunks in it but it’s too thick to be called creamy. Although it does get sort of creamy on the bottom. Less creamy and more runny I guess. But what it lacks in texture it makes up for in flavor!
I added tons of salt. It’s so delicious! I’ll spoil one of the surprise ingredients now. Brown sugar! For some reason the peanut butter kept coming out a strange, pale blue, so I added some brown sugar for coloring. It turned out to be quite a happy accident!
Not everyone likes their peanut butter to be so sweet. That’s why this peanut butter isn’t for everyone. It’s for risk-takers and foodies – people who live on the edge of life. That’s why the logo has a lot of fire and cool looking things like fists and rockets and an elk. One of the guys at the corner store I tried to sell Jiffy to asked me if it was an energy drink. That’s how incredible looking the packaging is. I wish I had marketed it as an energy drink because he didn’t need any peanut butter.
My lawyer says I have to add this next paragraph, but it’s not really relevant to this review, so you can skip it.
DISCLAIMER: Some people have had changes in behavior, agitation, impure thoughts or actions while consuming Jiffy brand peanut butter. Some people had these symptoms as soon as they began eating Jiffy, and others developed them after several hours of consumption. If you or your meal companion notice any changes in behavior, thinking, or mood that are not typical for you, stop eating Jiffy and seek medical attention immediately. In no event shall Jiffy Brand peanut butter be liable for any special, direct, indirect, consequential, or incidental damages or any damages whatsoever resulting from injuries arising out of or in connection with the use of this peanut product. Jiffy brand peanut butter is in no way affiliated with Jiffy Mix.
If you’d like to buy a jar ($1.99) or even a whole case ($5.99), please email me. The holidays are coming up and surely someone in your family would love to eat some peanut butter. For those with a peanut allergy, Jiffy doubles as toothpaste. So just don’t swallow it.
Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing Margaret Hamburg.