Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing the Super Bowl.

Yesterday was the Super Bowl – the last game of the football season. Unlike other bowls, this one is made “super” by musicians who interrupt the game to sing songs and dance around. This is referred to as the halftime show. Not only does the singing and dancing give the players a chance to take a break, but it gives the fans a chance to watch a Madonna video, which they were probably just hoping to do anyway.

The most significant part of the Super Bowl is that whichever team wins will be crowned the Champions of Football! Until next year when someone else becomes the champions.

Attending in person is an exclusive event limited to only tens of thousands of people. The cost of the average ticket is enough to provide food to a starving family for a month or more. I sure hope the people who spend their money on Super Bowl tickets don’t ever discover that the game is televised for free. I watched it from the comfort of my own living room and I was still able to paint my face and torso. (I didn’t know who was playing, so I just painted a beautiful landscape on myself. I should have waited for it to dry because now there’s a smudged landscape on my couch.)

The winners of the game are awarded a decent enough sized trophy in the shape of a football. It may not be the most creative design, but there’s no questioning what sport it represents. It’s unclear who gets to keep possession of the trophy. It may be that the manager keeps the trophy, or that the most popular player gets to. Another theory is that the trophy is cut up into small chunks of varying sizes and divided up between the team, with a correlation between chunk size and skill level of each player.

The best thing about the Super Bowl is the intensity with which the players run around while carrying the ball. I think they save up during regular football season so that when the Super Bowl comes they can really give it their all. You could really tell that each team really wanted to win. They were trying so hard! One team didn’t try hard enough though. That’s the downside of the Super Bowl. Even though there are some winners, there are also some losers. That’s why I turn the game off right before it’s over. I don’t want to have to imagine those losers going back to their mansions and having to tell their wives and/or girlfriends that they didn’t win the football game.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing slavery.

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Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing sand dollars.

Don’t let the name fool you – few businesses are willing to accept sand dollars as currency. Those that are, are typically staffed by the blind, elderly, or inebriated. It’s the sand dollar’s round, coin-like shape that gives it the dollar portion of its name. I’m not sure where the sand part is derived from. Some argue it’s because they are found on beaches but I have found them in stores and on eBay. Try referring to them as “store dollars” or “eBay dollars” and get ready for some puzzled looks.

At some point sand dollars were animals I think, although I’m not sure what kind of animal lives like a coin. A pretty boring animal is my guess. I think it would be neat if after we died we left a shell behind. Then you’d spot a friend across the street you’d be like, “Oh, hey, Kurt.” But when you crossed the street to get closer you’d notice how stiff and dry Kurt looked. And how his eyes were hollow sockets. You could play a lot of funny pranks with Kurt’s shell.

There’s probably some remote island where the natives use sand dollars as their actual currency. This island civilization is too small to be able to mint their own money, and since the ocean is just pumping out coins anyway – why not? The most exciting element of their sea-generated economy is that even the poorest person might suddenly surpass the wealth of the richest after a lucky day at the beach!

When I went to Cape Cod once I bought a pretty sweet looking sand dollar necklace. I wear it everyday just in case I should become marooned on that island. That way I’ll at least have something to get me on my feet until I’m rescued.

If America used pine cones as money things would be a lot more fair for everyone. I would be a pine tree farmer.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing a cloud I saw today.

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***

The Rumpus: I really like your comics. Some of them I don’t care for — there was one about a snail which I didn’t like because I’m scared of snails, but others I enjoyed quite a bit! Your mom must be really proud of your work.

Jon Adams: Oh, she passed away.

Rumpus: I know, I know. I was trying to be provocative. I’ve discovered journalism gets a lot more attention when it’s edgy. Have you ever seen this news show called TMZ? They do a really good job of turning otherwise uninteresting events into incredibly important and exciting news. That’s kind of what I’m going for with this interview.

Adams: Don’t you think people will be interested in a regular interview?

Rumpus: Maybe if you were more famous. That’s not me talking, that’s America.

Adams: Fair enough. So… should I say more provocative things?

Rumpus: Yeah, could you try to mention Hitler? Hitler is the new bacon. These days one can compare just about anything to Hitler, so it should be pretty easy to work in something about him.

Adams: Okay, I’ll try.

Rumpus: Great! So this month marks ten years of your comic Truth Serum. Ten years is a long time.

Adams: Yeah. I started drawing it back when I was in Connecticut, then the first issue was published by Slave Labor soon after I moved to Boston. It seems like a lifetime ago.

Rumpus: I know you had a difficult working relationship with Slave Labor. Would you say anyone there was like Hitler?

Adams: Well, maybe not Hitler. I got an angry email from Dan, the publisher, after I’d suggested some different formatting options to one of the editors. I still have the email. He called me some unflattering adjectives. It wasn’t very professional. He seemed to be upset because he thought I was making outrageous demands, when in fact I wasn’t demanding anything, just asking if things could be done differently. That email was the reason I decided not to continue working with them once my contract was up.

Rumpus: So in your estimation, would you say he’s a lot, or a little bit like Hitler?

Adams: Well, he has a mustache. I think that’s where the similarities end. I’ve since talked with him at comic conventions and he’s always been very nice. I thanked him for being the first publisher to publish my work. I don’t hold anything against him. It’s probably not as controversial as you’d like.

Rumpus: Has that been the worst working experience you’ve had? There must be something else.

Adams: I was held up at gun point once when I worked at a Holiday Inn.

Rumpus: Did you wrestle the gunman?

Adams: No, I just gave him the money he asked for and he went on his way. It was over pretty quickly.

Rumpus: I’m looking for something readers can sink their teeth into. Something with some meat. Have you ever worked with someone you hated?

Adams: Fortunately not. There are some projects I haven’t enjoyed, but the people have mostly been fine.

Rumpus: Geez. I wonder if anyone is still reading this interview at this point. What if I ask you a question and you can just make up a controversial answer? It doesn’t have to be real. As a journalist, it would be unethical of me to make things up, but as an interviewee, you can make up anything.

Adams: That’s not really my style. I think we can have an interesting enough interview without making up things. Why don’t I tell you about the ten year anniversary of my comic? I’m pretty excited about that.

Rumpus:That’s fine, I guess. Let’s not try to steer this in any direction. We’ll just talk, and when I see an opportunity for controversy I’ll seize it. So tell me why you’re excited.

Click Image to Enlarge

Adams: Sure. Well, I just sold out of the first Truth Serum book. It was the second printing and the remaining copies were bought up because the book is being taught at the University of Toronto. I had several boxes taking up space in my apartment and now they’re all gone. And in a couple of months the French edition of Truth Serum Conversations will be coming out from Cambourakis. It’s a fancy little hardcover book.

Rumpus: It sounds like your work is getting a lot of traction outside the US. Would it be a stretch to say that you have a growing bitterness about the way you’re treated in America? The type of bitterness that might fester until it transforms into domestic terrorism?

Adams: Um, yeah, I think that would be a stretch.

Rumpus: Are you sure?

Adams: Yeah.

Rumpus: Because I read your second book, and it’s a parody of the Bush administration. It seems like an anti-American sentiment that could lead towards – I don’t mean to put words in your mouth – but it could lead towards something rather dastardly.

Adams: If you’re referring to terrorism again, I would say that seems really unlikely.

Rumpus: How do you feel about all the trees you’re killing to make these books? Do you worry about the toll it’s taking on the environment?

Adams: I don’t think the print runs of my books are enough to do much damage.

Rumpus: Besides Truth Serum, what else are you working on?

Adams: I’m currently working on a children’s book for McSweeney’s. I have a weekly comic in the San Francisco Chronicle called Friendship Town. I also write a weekly –

Rumpus: You have a comic in a newspaper? Newspapers are dying. That’s controversial! I heard that the internet is killing them. It’s a really big deal. I read an article about it in the newspaper. You should probably quit running your comic in the newspaper and put it on the internet. That’s where comics are really big.

Adams: It’s online as well. It’s on SFgate and I usually post it via my Twitter or Facebook.

Rumpus: And how much money do you make from your online comics?

Adams: Nothing directly. Usually it translates into sales of books. I could probably put banner ads on my site or something but those are pretty gross. Most of my money was made freelancing, up until a few months ago when I went back to full-time work. I still do freelance work on the side sometimes, but only for projects that seem like a lot of fun. It’s a nice luxury to have.

Rumpus: Is your full-time job controversial in any way?

Adams: Nope. I’m a designer at a start-up. Everyone I work with is actually incredibly great and nice. We’re on the top floor of a building downtown with an incredible view of San Francisco. I don’t look at it enough.

Rumpus: The top floor? Has anyone ever –

Adams: No. No one has ever jumped off.

(A Truth Serum play featuring the Rumpus’ own Dan Weiss and Isaac Fitzgerald.)

***

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Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing termites.

Termites are the cartoon bug that eats through wood and makes buildings and chairs hilariously fall apart in only seconds. They make a big noise like a chainsaw even though the termites are very tiny. Almost too tiny to see!

Recently, I learned that termites exist outside of the cartoon world, and this made me wonder what other things from cartoons have made it into real life. I couldn’t think of one and that made me like termites even better because it just goes to show how amazing nature can be.

My view of termites changed drastically when several of them decided to destroy part of my house without any regard for the financial impact doing so would have on me. Because of them, there are now only three walls in my bedroom where there used to be four. Now instead of a fourth wall I have a plastic tarp. The tarp doesn’t offer nearly the same level or privacy or warmth that a typical wall does, and hanging pictures on it is extremely tricky.

It was difficult to sleep knowing there were termites in my house. I was worried they would bite me. I mean, if they can eat through wood, what’s to stop them from eating through flesh? I would definitely eat a person before I’d eat a wall. Unless that person was a loved one and the wall was imprisoning me.

I thought it would be ironic and spiteful if I could catch and kill enough termites to build a wall out of them. After a couple of jars worth though, it started to get kind of gross, so I decided to let the construction workers do their job.

So it looks like termites are pretty horrible. I don’t like them nearly as much as I thought I would.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing Guam.

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Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing yoga.

Yoga is the ancient and mystical form of exercise where you twist your body into difficult positions in order to find your joy space. I don’t know what a joy space is and when I asked the teacher he told me to stop talking and focus on my breathing because I was disturbing the class.

So after class I asked him what a joy space was because I didn’t feel that I had been successful in finding mine. He just laughed and shook his head. I didn’t get what was so funny so I asked again and he told me I should question less and follow the path in front of me. I explained I was a journalist reviewing the world and I had come to the yoga class to ask questions. He said there were no questions, only answers. I told him that was great news because answers were exactly what I wanted. That’s when his tone noticeably changed and he told me to get out because his next class was starting.

When I started to leave I accidentally fell into him because the yoga had made me dizzy. He laughed a sort of scary, aggressive laugh and then shoved me. I stumbled backward into a woman who was balancing on her head and she fell over. That’s when the teacher really got angry and started screaming at me not to abuse women.

He came at me with a wild look in his eyes and I was so scared. I screamed, “find your joy space” at him but it was too late. He grabbed me by the legs and started pulling me across the floor telling me not to mock him. I tried clinging to the woman I’d knocked over but she kicked my hand off her ankle.

Thankfully this class was a Groupon so I didn’t have to pay full price for it.

The most important things I learned doing yoga are:
1. Certain positions will make your body fart whether you want it to or not.
2. No one will judge you if you fart, but you will judge others when they do.
3. It’s easy to fall asleep during yoga.
4. It’s hard to wake up during yoga.
5. The joy space evolved in us when we were microcosmic life forms living in the ocean.
6. Yoga will hurt you even after you’re done doing it.
7. Yoga teachers will cry with little provocation.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing sweat.

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Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing Papa Smurf.

Of all the Smurfs, Papa is my least favorite. For one thing, what is he running, a cult? I don’t trust cult leaders. I mean I like them. They’re really nice and charming and do good work, but I just don’t trust them for some reason. I can’t put my finger on why.

I also don’t like how Papa Smurf pretty much ripped off his look from Santa. Papa Smurf is just Santa without a shirt or magic pets. I think he should get his own look, especially if there’s a Smurf Santa. What must that guy look like? I can picture him coming down Papa Smurf’s mushroom chimney and thinking he’s seeing his doppelganger. It would be a very confusing Christmas Eve.

And why is Papa Smurf so happy all the time? If I was constantly being chased by a bald giant in a black dress who wanted to turn me and my family into gold, I would be pretty on edge. I guess in that way Papa Smurf is pretty cool – that he can be so mellow in the face of constant danger. Although I guess he’s not the brightest guy. Why doesn’t he just move the village far away from Gargamel? My guess is that on some deeper level Papa Smurf feels like having an enemy gives him purpose.

This is all speculation, of course. It’s hard to know the truth about Papa Smurf because he’s fictional, so all I can truly know is whatever he does in stories. I suppose if I wrote my own story about him then I could know more. There’s no rule that says the only stories that are valid are those written by the original author. That’s why fan fiction is so well regarded.

In the end, I guess I feel bad for Papa Smurf. It’s his final years and he’s trapped in an unhealthy relationship with Gargamel, while having to oversee a village of insecure little Smurfs where each one is trying so desperately to stand out by being a Farmer Smurf or a Kite Smurf. No one is confident enough to simply be a regular Smurf who goes about his day Smurfing.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing bagels.

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Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing Sky Mall.

If you ever get the chance to fly on an airplane, take a look at the reading material in the seat-back in front of you. Chances are there will be a copy of Sky Mall, a catalog full of amazing products, all of which are for sale. All of them!

And it’s not just regular stuff like a chair or a box. No, it’s amazing stuff that you didn’t even know you needed until you saw it. Like a chair with a seat warmer in it. And the box wouldn’t be regular either – it would have Mayan designs engraved on it. A perfect box for your patio garden.

Best of all, each item in the catalog is available for purchase immediately. That’s right, no having to wait until you land, because by the time you land you might forget. There’s a number you can call, and then I guess there’s someone just waiting to answer, and then whatever you want, it’s already made like they knew you were going to buy it.

Unfortunately, I’ve never actually bought anything from Sky Mall. Their prices are a bit out of my range. I keep thinking I’ll save my money for one item, but then I turn the page and discover a different item that I also want! There are so many amazing items I’ll never be able to save my money. If I knew how to make one of those sad faces I get in my email, I would make one here.

I do have some complaints about Sky Mall. The biggest is that it is not an actual mall that exists in the sky. Also, technically speaking, the name of the catalog should be changed to Land Mall when a plane is on the ground, but I’m not sure the technology exists to make that happen yet. Can a Kindle do that? I’m not sure, but it’s something to consider.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing a Lamborghini.

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Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing turtle doves.

Turtle doves are really hard to find last minute during Christmas time. I called every pet store and veterinarian I could find in the phone book and no one had any. I tried putting out a turtle dove trap (they’re easy to make with a box, some string, and a photo of a female turtle dove), but they proved too elusive.

The closest I could come was turtle, so I settled for that. I taped some feathers onto its shell to make it appear more bird-like but it still wasn’t very convincing. So I took my photo of a turtle dove and made a little paper costumes for the turtle to wear. At that point it didn’t even make sense to use a turtle, so I set it free and caught myself some pigeons. Those things look a lot like turtle doves except with disturbing growths and aggressive personalities.

With a few minor adjustments I was able to make the pigeons look more like turtle doves. Then I didn’t know what to do with them. Turtle doves are somehow related to Christmas, so maybe if I had real ones their purpose would have been more clear.

If anyone knew what to do with turtle doves, I figured it would be the lady in my neighborhood who had been wearing a Santa cap paired with a rotating display of snowman sweaters all month. It turns out she’s not quite the authority on Christmas that she appeared to be. She didn’t know anything about turtle doves. She knew so little, in fact, that she thought my impostor pigeons were the real deal. I don’t know if that’s because turtle doves are too rare to recognize, the woman is naive, or my animal manipulation skills are that good.

My next stop was the Turtle Dove Museum. Unfortunately, such a museum doesn’t exist, but it took me several hours of walking around town and asking for directions before I figured that out. I was pretty sure I’d seen a turtle dove museum but I guess it was just wishful thinking.

Out of ideas, I dialed 1-800-TRTL-DVS. What a useless phone number that turned out to be.

Despite my hours of research I was still unable to learn even the most basic information about turtle doves. They remain as enigmatic and mysterious as Bigfoot.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing pizza.

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Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing Checkers.

Checkers is a popular board game played mostly by children. It’s basically a simplified version of chess. The main difference is that in chess the players work methodically to penetrate the opposing side and trap its king. In Checkers, the goal is to completely obliterate every part of your opponent and leave no one standing.

It’s a very aggressive and violent game, which is why I believe it should be banned in schools. Everyone worries about violent video games ruining the youth. What about violent board games? Do we really want children thinking the only way to win is by destroying the other side completely? I mean, sometimes that’s the only way, but I’d like the youth to be taught optimism.

The board game industry and its lobbyists would likely oppose a ban on Checkers and I’m not sure I’m up for the legal battle. Part of me would fight it because I like stories about underdogs, and if I won it would make for a great movie. Unfortunately I’m too old and tired for fighting.

That’s why, as a compromise, I would suggest the rules of Checkers simply be changed. Instead of the goal being that one player decimates the other, why not have it be that whoever can stack their pieces the highest the fastest wins 100 points? Or something like that. It just doesn’t need to be such a mean game.

Children could find other ways to take out their aggression. Maybe dodgeball or punching pillow with the faces of their enemies on them. Something less educational than a board game.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing Checkers, the restaurant.

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Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing the gas pedal.

There are a lot of parts of the car that aren’t necessary. Windows, for instance. They keep bugs from hitting you in the face, but a little extra protein never hurt anyone. The steering wheel helps a lot, but if you don’t need to turn, what good is it? The brake? Helpful, yes, but if your trip is planned right you can come to a rolling stop. And if you plan poorly, that’s what airbags and seat belts are for.

But without a gas pedal a car is only good for living in. Gas pedals make cars go. That’s great news for people who want to take road trips, or need to drive a pregnant lady to the hospital because her water just broke. It’s also great news for bank robbers or someone who just accidentally (or maybe intentionally) hit a pedestrian. The gas pedal does not discriminate. Sort of like the ACLU. While I admire the gas pedal’s dedication to equality, I am left feeling torn.

They have those dashboard computers now that ask you where you want to go. Why not a computer in the gas pedal that asks why you want to go? That way if you say you want to accelerate to escape responsibility, the gas pedal locks up so you have to face what you’ve done. Or if you say you are in a hurry because you’re late for a movie, the gas pedal would know it’s okay to go.

With all the innovation currently happening in the automobile industry, we’ve come a long way from the days of the Flintstone’s cars when we had to push with our feet. It’s possible that I am too narrow-minded and some young pioneer like Steve Jobs will revolutionize the gas pedal in ways I can’t begin to imagine. All I know is the gas pedal is not half of what it could be.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing Iraq.

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